How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
