my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
