I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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