did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So vagazzling was a success
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
