No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
