just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
