Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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