Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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