if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
