I wish I could punch you in the face.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He shit in the fireplace
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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