I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
