I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
