I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
