u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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