Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
