My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
