watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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