So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
