I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
