hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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