Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
