Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
