i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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