Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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