Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
