Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
