I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
