PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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