i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
