Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
