i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
