Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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