i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
