At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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