Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, beer. Big fan.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
