I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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