I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
