She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She even gives head with a lisp.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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