I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
