Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
