So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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