I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
