i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
