halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
