K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
