my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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