The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
