So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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