I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
