i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
